The End of an Era

Tonight was the last night I will ever nurse my firstborn. Just typing that made the tears start flowing again. I can't think of a more bittersweet moment than the one we shared just a few minutes ago. I didn't know this was coming so soon, but it feels like the right thing to do.

Tucker has been battling a severe case of eczema on the back of his knees. I have tried everything I can think of on a natural level (no steroid creams are used in this house) and it is just not clearing up. The one thing I have not tried is taking him off of my milk. Tonight he was screaming in pain and I just can't let him go through that anymore if, by any chance, my milk is causing the problem. In a way, I think it's good that our nursing relationship is ending this way. I am weaning him in an effort to help get him out of pain. I hope in the coming days where I will have to stay strong and stand my ground, that tidbit will make it a little easier to stay the course.

My first goal with breastfeeding was to nurse him until he got teeth. The teeth came, and to my surprise there wasn't much pain (other than a few nips here and there, nothing major). My next goal was to nurse him until he was a year old. Oops, got pregnant when he was 9 months old, but I kept going even though my OB at the time (I fired her about halfway through the pregnancy because of her lack of knowledge about being pregnant and breastfeeding) told me I had to wean him. There was just no way I was going to stop short of my goal.

I thought for sure he would self-wean during the pregnancy. Nope. By the end of my pregnancy with Chloe, I felt like I had waited too long to wean him and he would suffer irreparable damage from being weaned, and then weeks later being "replaced" with a little sister. Tandem nursing has not been the dreamy experience I had hoped it would be. It has not, in all honesty, been the best idea I've ever had. I had read online about how wonderful tandem nursing is, how it helps the older child accept the new sibling, yadda yadda yadda. For me, it was very difficult with many mixed emotions. I do hold a few mental snapshots where it was pure bliss, however. Times when they weren't fighting for a good position and they both had their eyes rolling back into their heads on the verge of milk comas. Times where Tucker would reach over and pat his brand new sister, or when Chloe would reach over and touch Tucker's face. Times when they would hold hands while nursing. That was beautiful and I hope I never forget.

Along the way, I am sure I freaked out many people. Before I was "one of them," I was totally freaked out by extended nursers. I could not fathom why a woman would want to nurse a toddler. Ew, gross! Um, if they can walk over to you and lift your shirt and ask for it, then they are way too old. Oh, how naive I was! Extended nursing is certainly not for everyone and I understand that. I hope along the way I have educated those who do not understand and I hope I have inspired just one mom to breastfeed. I have met my goal. I have exceeded the World Health Organization's recommended two year minimum. I have done an amazing job and I deserve the right to say so. Tucker is 27 months old. I have been breastfeeding since February 21, 2008 and tandem nursing for the past 9 months.

Our last session took place on the big chair in our living room. I was trying to calm him from screaming in pain, tears running down my face. Some tears were for his pain, some tears were from the realization that this would be our last "Boo" or "Mulk" session. My husband got the camera and took a few pictures of our last time breastfeeding. I look like crap in them but they are the most beautiful crappy pictures I've ever laid eyes on. Tucker kissed my breast and said, "Kiss Mulks." It was so cute. I explained to him that after tonight he would not be getting any more of Mommy's milk and that he was a Big Boy now and the milk was just for Chloe now. He said okay and I am so hoping he understands. I expect to have a rough week ahead so I would really appreciate any prayers and good thoughts you could send my way.

To Tucker: You are amazing. You have completely transformed me as a person. I cannot wait to see who you become and I'm so excited for the next chapter of you as my Big Boy. I love you, Baby Boy. Always and Forever. Love, Mommy